Words from the Heart by Diane Trautweiler

  1. #Selfie

    #Selfie

  2. #Selfie

    #Selfie

  3. #Selfie

    #Selfie

  4. #Selfie

    #Selfie

  5. I am so depressed I can barely write. One of the questions I keep coming back to again and again is - Why Am I Here? To be used? To be abused? To not be allowed to grieve? To be poverty-stricken? To be invalidated time & again? To have to explain myself to a bunch of imperfect people all the time? To have to fight and fight just to get basic necessities? To be taken advantage of? To have to fight Red Tape all the time? To have to be witness to injustice, unfairness and favoritism?

I hit a new low today. I never got coddled by family when I was my sickest. I get torn down and torn apart when I am barely able to hold it together. If I say the word “no” or stick up for myself I get nastiness & cruelness. There is no demonstrative love. I don’t have a husband and kids surrounding me. I have the after effects of chemo & estrogen blockers, as well as a reactivation of an auto immune disease holding me back from working. I have to wait for years with no income - and I am waiting still - to get disability. I worry every day I wake up.

Do I get love and understanding from my blood? Not even close. So - why am
I here and not another woman who had a loving family & was devastated by their loss. Do my “loved ones” even care that I am breathing and walking - however imperfectly I am doing it?

I have no answer to any of these questions. My soul is depleted of all it’s light from living this way for way too long. I do not see an end or I would have a little hope to hold onto. I do not even know if God is hearing me SCREAM at him for help.

via https://dayone.me/DWHz7j

    I am so depressed I can barely write. One of the questions I keep coming back to again and again is - Why Am I Here? To be used? To be abused? To not be allowed to grieve? To be poverty-stricken? To be invalidated time & again? To have to explain myself to a bunch of imperfect people all the time? To have to fight and fight just to get basic necessities? To be taken advantage of? To have to fight Red Tape all the time? To have to be witness to injustice, unfairness and favoritism?

    I hit a new low today. I never got coddled by family when I was my sickest. I get torn down and torn apart when I am barely able to hold it together. If I say the word “no” or stick up for myself I get nastiness & cruelness. There is no demonstrative love. I don’t have a husband and kids surrounding me. I have the after effects of chemo & estrogen blockers, as well as a reactivation of an auto immune disease holding me back from working. I have to wait for years with no income - and I am waiting still - to get disability. I worry every day I wake up.

    Do I get love and understanding from my blood? Not even close. So - why am I here and not another woman who had a loving family & was devastated by their loss. Do my “loved ones” even care that I am breathing and walking - however imperfectly I am doing it?

    I have no answer to any of these questions. My soul is depleted of all it’s light from living this way for way too long. I do not see an end or I would have a little hope to hold onto. I do not even know if God is hearing me SCREAM at him for help.

    via https://dayone.me/DWHz7j

  6. #Sad #Angel

    #Sad #Angel

  7. How Do I Say Goodbye?

    How do I say goodbye to someone I love? I do not give my heart - put my heart into just anyone. The love, the loyalty & support build over time. I stick through & stick by but when I am getting more hurt than joy, there is something wrong. When the person I have supported with my loyalty treats that loyalty & love like it means nothing - where do I put that? When that person perpetuates an atmosphere that there should be competition, division & specialness of a very select few & not others - then what? How is that not having your loyalty taken advantage of? I should have the same opportunities at my disposal but I do not. I have never had to deal with this before.

    Gene Simmons had it correct: I work for YOU. YOU are ALL my Boss - NOT the other way around. Why should ONE person, who now brags about her heightened status as Friend and not Just A Fan, be given countless opportunities over & over again - for a long period of time - and this be accepted? Comp tickets to shows, being called to the stage by first name when she is at said show, being told she is “The Best”, constant Tweets and shout-outs, VIP backstage in-person meetings. Why is this still going on? This public figure is aware of the issue but he chooses to ignore the pain it is causing. His team chooses to ignore the pain. A seemingly fan-friendly guy who is doing EVERYTHING else right but this one thing. He takes pictures with fans, meets them, seems to treat them well. I am happy when I see this because it gives me hope I will get my turn. However, not when I see the same person getting the accolades time and again.

    Why is this happening? Because she is doing promo for free & this is his way of paying her? It would have been better to hire someone or pay her for the job then to do it this way because he is singling someone out as though she is better than everyone else and more special. Now she is “A Friend” & not “Just A Fan”. This situation just keeps getting worse. If you speak out you are a “Hater” on her “Shit List”. She does not have enough heart to turn the tables & try to imagine how she would feel on the other side of this. Instead, she wants more & more & brags about it - gloating in people’s faces. How shallow & cold-hearted this whole situation appears to me.

    It may be best if I withdrew my support. I thought there would be a change; I heard a rumor there would be so I stuck around with a lot of hope in my heart. Instead, nothing. It’s like my Blog did not matter, anything I have tweeted did not matter, and anything that anyone else said who had a similar viewpoint did not matter. We all have dreams - not just this girl. She HAD her dreams come true already. She should consider herself lucky and others should get a chance since this is one man to many with the same hours in a day to work with that the rest of us have.

    I am at a loss as to what to do? Does it matter that I am still here? What is my purpose? I always thought part of my purpose was using my words to touch people, make them feel the emotions, make them think a little differently then they maybe would have before, & try to make a more positive change for the greater good. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I don’t belong here? Maybe my support meant nothing to this man because I cannot get to his show due to financial devastation & health issues? Maybe that makes me unworthy? Maybe I don’t matter at all? How could I be so wrong? I am usually a good judge of character in picking people who are good for ME. How did this happen? 💔💔💔💔💔💔

  8. #Love #Hearts #Cherish

    #Love #Hearts #Cherish

  9. #Music

    #Music

  10. What The Heart Wants To Know

    My heart is tired of hurting, my soul is tired of fighting. Would the wind miss carrying my voice? Would the ocean miss my ripple if it was not there? Where is my laughter? I think it bubbled out of me and floated away. Where are my dreams and hopes? I think they got lost in the darkness somewhere with no lantern to lead the way.

    Where do I belong in this cold, cruel world? I feel like an alien without a home; a nomad trying to find my niche. What is my purpose? When will my prayers get answered? Even I sometimes need to be carried in the sand.

    Who has my back? Am I as alone as I feel? Who is really there just because of who I am - nothing more, nothing less. I need a miracle. I need a light. I need a friend. I need a hand. To cry in pain & ask for help is not weakness, but strength. My heart beats with cracks from being put together so many times. My body is oh so tired & in pain. Yet I still find myself reaching one last time for a hand to pull me out of this well I have fallen down.



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