I am so depressed I can barely write. One of the questions I keep coming back to again and again is - Why Am I Here? To be used? To be abused? To not be allowed to grieve? To be poverty-stricken? To be invalidated time & again? To have to explain myself to a bunch of imperfect people all the time? To have to fight and fight just to get basic necessities? To be taken advantage of? To have to fight Red Tape all the time? To have to be witness to injustice, unfairness and favoritism?
I hit a new low today. I never got coddled by family when I was my sickest. I get torn down and torn apart when I am barely able to hold it together. If I say the word “no” or stick up for myself I get nastiness & cruelness. There is no demonstrative love. I don’t have a husband and kids surrounding me. I have the after effects of chemo & estrogen blockers, as well as a reactivation of an auto immune disease holding me back from working. I have to wait for years with no income - and I am waiting still - to get disability. I worry every day I wake up.
Do I get love and understanding from my blood? Not even close. So - why am
I here and not another woman who had a loving family & was devastated by their loss. Do my “loved ones” even care that I am breathing and walking - however imperfectly I am doing it?
I have no answer to any of these questions. My soul is depleted of all it’s light from living this way for way too long. I do not see an end or I would have a little hope to hold onto. I do not even know if God is hearing me SCREAM at him for help.
How Do I Say Goodbye?
How do I say goodbye to someone I love? I do not give my heart - put my heart into just anyone. The love, the loyalty & support build over time. I stick through & stick by but when I am getting more hurt than joy, there is something wrong. When the person I have supported with my loyalty treats that loyalty & love like it means nothing - where do I put that? When that person perpetuates an atmosphere that there should be competition, division & specialness of a very select few & not others - then what? How is that not having your loyalty taken advantage of? I should have the same opportunities at my disposal but I do not. I have never had to deal with this before.
Gene Simmons had it correct: I work for YOU. YOU are ALL my Boss - NOT the other way around. Why should ONE person, who now brags about her heightened status as Friend and not Just A Fan, be given countless opportunities over & over again - for a long period of time - and this be accepted? Comp tickets to shows, being called to the stage by first name when she is at said show, being told she is “The Best”, constant Tweets and shout-outs, VIP backstage in-person meetings. Why is this still going on? This public figure is aware of the issue but he chooses to ignore the pain it is causing. His team chooses to ignore the pain. A seemingly fan-friendly guy who is doing EVERYTHING else right but this one thing. He takes pictures with fans, meets them, seems to treat them well. I am happy when I see this because it gives me hope I will get my turn. However, not when I see the same person getting the accolades time and again.
Why is this happening? Because she is doing promo for free & this is his way of paying her? It would have been better to hire someone or pay her for the job then to do it this way because he is singling someone out as though she is better than everyone else and more special. Now she is “A Friend” & not “Just A Fan”. This situation just keeps getting worse. If you speak out you are a “Hater” on her “Shit List”. She does not have enough heart to turn the tables & try to imagine how she would feel on the other side of this. Instead, she wants more & more & brags about it - gloating in people’s faces. How shallow & cold-hearted this whole situation appears to me.
It may be best if I withdrew my support. I thought there would be a change; I heard a rumor there would be so I stuck around with a lot of hope in my heart. Instead, nothing. It’s like my Blog did not matter, anything I have tweeted did not matter, and anything that anyone else said who had a similar viewpoint did not matter. We all have dreams - not just this girl. She HAD her dreams come true already. She should consider herself lucky and others should get a chance since this is one man to many with the same hours in a day to work with that the rest of us have.
I am at a loss as to what to do? Does it matter that I am still here? What is my purpose? I always thought part of my purpose was using my words to touch people, make them feel the emotions, make them think a little differently then they maybe would have before, & try to make a more positive change for the greater good. Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I don’t belong here? Maybe my support meant nothing to this man because I cannot get to his show due to financial devastation & health issues? Maybe that makes me unworthy? Maybe I don’t matter at all? How could I be so wrong? I am usually a good judge of character in picking people who are good for ME. How did this happen? 💔💔💔💔💔💔
#Love #Hearts #Cherish
What The Heart Wants To Know
My heart is tired of hurting, my soul is tired of fighting. Would the wind miss carrying my voice? Would the ocean miss my ripple if it was not there? Where is my laughter? I think it bubbled out of me and floated away. Where are my dreams and hopes? I think they got lost in the darkness somewhere with no lantern to lead the way.
Where do I belong in this cold, cruel world? I feel like an alien without a home; a nomad trying to find my niche. What is my purpose? When will my prayers get answered? Even I sometimes need to be carried in the sand.
Who has my back? Am I as alone as I feel? Who is really there just because of who I am - nothing more, nothing less. I need a miracle. I need a light. I need a friend. I need a hand. To cry in pain & ask for help is not weakness, but strength. My heart beats with cracks from being put together so many times. My body is oh so tired & in pain. Yet I still find myself reaching one last time for a hand to pull me out of this well I have fallen down.
Letter about #Fibromyalgia to Concerned Party
Online Bullying & Criss Angel’s “Loyal” Fan Base
I know, sitting here writing this piece is probably not worthy of my time. However, I know I must write it properly, and do it justice, in order to put it to rest. I always hoped that my words might mean something to someone, or that I could possibly change the course that a situation was taking, and move it in a more positive direction. One thing you cannot do, in this life, is control other people. You can try to appeal to their sensibilities, but if they are condoning wrong behavior or being ignorant to what is going on, there comes a point you must release it if your warnings are not heeded.
I will spare you the details of why or how I became a Criss Angel fan. If you have been or are currently a fan, your reasons will probably be similar to mine. I can say that I have been a fan for several years and that I considered myself a die-hard. I can tell you that, while I have not been able to pour money into buying tickets to see his live Las Vegas show, Believe, I have offered my monetary support in countless other ways. Emotionally, I have been invested just as much as the next “Loyal” (the name he calls his fans).
I will pause a bit in the story to tell you that, from all outward appearances, Criss Angel is a very fan-friendly guy. With only a little bit of digging, you can find evidence of him posing for pictures with fans, hugging them & interacting with them. I think, for the most part, Criss is a really personable guy. He seems to have a big heart. I would say that, besides his talent, this is one of the reasons I had gravitated towards him. I think, because of the way he appears to be is what makes this so difficult to write.
I was diagnosed at a young age (before the age of 40) with Breast Cancer back in 2010. This is not going to be a story about that; my personal story regarding that road that I am still traveling down is yet to be told by me. I will touch on the subject because Criss Angel was the ONLY celebrity that I felt a connection to while I was scared out of my mind fighting cancer. His father had passed from cancer back in 1998, and I think the loss of his father played a big transformation in Criss. He is also well-known for his kindnesses towards Make A Wish Kids who are terminally ill. Criss Angel has always been these kids’ Knight In Shining Armor who has provided them with comfort, joy and encouragement. I felt a kinship with him. Since he has always been a very personable and active presence on Twitter, I tried to get his attention. Too many nights I was suffering from the effects if chemo, or shaking with terror in the middle of the night, not able to sleep. We get our comfort and inspiration where we can find it, and I sought it from him. At the time, I had many people championing to get his attention. Because the tumor was so large, my doctors opted to shrink it with chemo prior to surgery. We were trying to save my breast😢. As a result, I did not know what stage I was.
I did finally get his attention after a year of trying - with the help of many. It was so difficult because I had to watch him answer people with trivial questions and birthday wishes & whatnot. I felt ignored & like I did not matter. I certainly did not think I was more deserving and I knew he had a lot of followers & was busy. I just could not understand why he did not see me or anyone else who was in my corner helping me. One of the things he said to me, besides good wishes, was for me not to hold it against him; that he answered people randomly. While this MIGHT have been plausible back then, this changed when he picked out one German fan to do his promotion online & she received all kinds of special privileges. What happened was some chronic type of favoritism that has pretty much divided his fan base, and caused people, including me, to stop following him on Twitter (& other social media).
This girl would get her tweets answered on a consistent basis. She got followed by him once in the past and now he is following her again (there are very few fans Criss Angel follows). It appears he is taking turns following people, but to give someone another chance when so many have not had a single chance? He used to do a Saturday where he connected once a month with his fans called Loyal Saturday. The first time he did this was on a Sunday, as a Skype-like chat in which I actually got to talk to him. That is the closest I came to meeting him. The format and day was then changed to a Saturday after technical difficulties and it became a situation where this girl got a shout-out every week, by either Criss or his team. Words describing her as the “best” were being thrown around. She got her video questions answered constantly and even won a contest to meet Criss & his team. If that was not enough, she mysteriously ended up going to Vegas last summer and getting comp tickets for shows and backstage access to Criss. It was becoming as though Criss had His Fan and then Everyone Else. I am a very sensitive person by nature, and I have dealt with favoritism in every aspect of my life: family, friends, school, the work place - and now this. I was seeing other people posting their hurt and pain. One of his Make A Wish Kids even wondered if he had forgotten about her.
Things started to get ugly behind the scenes. Anytime anyone would speak out and try to respectfully tell Criss how unfair this was, that person would get some kind of boomerang effect that resembled someone trying to control a group of people. This girl had HER own fan pages and followers and had people make fake accounts and spy on people, as well as being told who not to talk to. So, if you spoke up you were ostracized or bullied. I would have people ignore me when I tried to start a conversation with people or pay a compliment. Then, the bullying came. Just today, I had someone tell me to shut the f***k up or she would make me. A few months ago I had someone threaten to “kick my ass”. I watched the deplorable way my best friend was treated by this girl, publicly on Twitter for all to see. I saw her dump her best friend cruelly. Another friend of mine was told she should die & was accused of faking her very real family problems for attention by a follower (this only days ago). People have been HURT by these actions and no one is supposed to say anything.
Well, I have had enough. I reached my breaking point today. I filled out a report via Twitter to report the bullying & abuse & locked up my account to prevent “spies” from following me. I have removed my support of Criss Angel from any social media outlet that I was previously supporting him on. This chronic behavior has been going on since I was being treated for cancer & I am a 3 1/2 year Survivor. I have had countless people approach me PRIVATELY but very few will stand by me PUBLICLY due to FEAR OF BEING BULLIED & ABUSED. I cannot support someone who stays ignorant & condones this behavior. It breaks my heart. I am not jealous - nor do I need to grow up. I have faced monsters & fears people do not even know about. I have had loss and grief that have been unrelenting.
I would NEVER want to take this girl’s place; I would never allow myself to be in that position because I would not want to hurt people that much. I WOULD speak up and say - I am flattered but I have had my turn with you, Mr. Criss Angel. I have had experiences some get only once, if ever, in a lifetime with you. I will cherish these forever & I thank you from the bottom of my heart for these experiences. You, however, are only one man with only so much time in a day. Please make someone else’s heart sing and give them a chance. Maybe someone lost a loved one. Maybe there is someone dealing with severe financial ruin. Maybe someone is battling a life-threatening disease. Maybe another feels suicidal and you would be that beam of light that saves them. Your fan base is filled with heroes who deserve to be celebrated. Everyone shows their support in their own unique ways. Someone who hijacks your time line with promo, sucking all the personable quality out of your page that used to be there - that is not the “only” way to show your support. We are all special; yet none of us are special. THAT is what I would say to him. No man or woman is an island & what started as a Loyal Family has been fractured & people have been left to feel hurt & distrustful.
So - I must say goodbye to you at this time, Criss. You meant a lot to me - as you have to many. I just cannot hurt anymore & I cannot have this negative influence on my health. One day, if things change & I am still alive in this world breathing, I may come back - but only if things are different. If Equality, Love, Humor, and Peace become the theme of Loyal Kingdom, then I shall return. One, or even a small group of fans can not support your career alone - it’s the team of all of those unique people whom you call Loyal who makes the difference.
Cody & McGee before they got into a tussle. #MyBabies #Kitties #Cats #FurBabies #Fuzzy #People #Pets #Animals #LOVE
Inspiration on the bathroom wall of a Labcorp while getting blood work done this AM. Yes, I suppose you can find it anywhere - and I am thinking it is God’s message to how I have been feeling lately. (Sea Shell could not fit for me to post on here. Had to crop out. It is the message that is important)